insight

15. DEATH AND THE WHITE LIGHT

Eddie. He came to me in the fall of 2002, diagnosed with lung cancer. His lawyer, a patient of mine, suggested he consult with me. I was the clinical endocrine advisor in a research project using natural progesterone to treat cancer at the Sansum Medical Clinic so she thought I could help him.

Cancer is not my specialty. I specialize in neuro-immune-endocrinology which I believe is at the core of most dis-ease. So I spent two hours going over his history, looking for signs of age-related decline that could be at the root of his illness, trying to understand why this brilliant man’s body was failing him at 52, and explaining the biochemistry of cancer as related to the complicated system of hormonal miscommunication with DNA.

Exuding enthusiasm, Eddie asked, “So you have something to balance my ligands?” He was brilliant, one of the only patients who understood the scientific lingo of my theories. He was even open to the psycho-spiritual roots of dis-ease, including the irony of being afflicted with cancer after inventing thermal implants to treat brain tumors.

In fact, I did have something—a formula to balance the hypothalamic orchestration of the neuro-immune-endocrine system—but, in theory only. After completing pilot studies the year before, my personal funds ran out and I struggled to find a manufacturer to mix even a small batch. Eddie took my hand and offered to help.

“No,” I protested, “you came here for me to help you.”

“Perhaps I came to help you. My cancer was a fortuitous portal for our meeting.”

Thus began our journey to manufacture my formula so he might partake of it. He truly believed he would be cured by my invention. In the meantime, I researched natural treatment regimens, since he was opposed to conventional therapies, and spent much time counseling him and sharing many spiritual portals. He treated me as a beloved daughter, introducing me to colleagues who would forge the path to the birth of my nutraceutical product. Becoming attached, I searched for cures for his cancer.

The day I brought the first bottle of Genesis Gold® to him, he smiled, beckoned me closer and whispered, “I knew you could do it.”

It was his last lucid moment. At the request of his family I had been coming to his lovely villa in the hills of Santa Barbara to help him die. As a nurse practitioner, I treated the walking well. Some patients had passed over the years, usually of old age, occasionally untimely, but not since being a neophyte nurse had I witnessed death.

After graduating nursing school in 1983, I worked on a surgical floor at UCLA Medical Center. We saw the sickest of patients—heart transplants, complete surgical resections of the bowels, lung resections. My first encounter with death was a young woman, my age, dying of pancreatic cancer. When I arrived on the night shift and saw her Do Not Resuscitate order, I knew her family and physicians had given up.
Not me! I was not going to let her drown in her own secretions and stayed by her bedside suctioning her tracheostomy. Her intern refused to give me a permanent suction order so that I would take care of my other three patients, so I handed him the suction catheter and called the chief resident. My colleagues were appalled. No one called the chief in the middle of the night, especially not a nurse.

Amazingly, he wasn’t upset, but asked if I saw the DNR order. “Doctor, I’m not resuscitating her. I just don’t want her to be alone. I…” Seeing the intern escape down the hall, I tried to hang up on the chief.

“Oh, no, you don’t. We’re going to discuss why you can’t let her die.” I resisted, but he kept me on the phone until it was too late.

The charge nurse helped me prepare the young woman’s body for the morgue. And with tears, I was forced to let my patient go.

Twenty years later, I was not so resistant. Eddie’s family left me alone with him. I sat at his bedside and meditated on how I could help him pass. I had already counseled with each of his family members. When I thought of his recalcitrant son who had finally agreed to see his father after our phone conversation that morning, I felt a wave of gratitude. And it wasn’t mine, it was from Eddie. I opened my eyes.

His diminished energy, faded to non-existent in his limbs, now concentrated in his heart chakra, shimmered, and I gasped to see a funnel of light connect to him. He appeared to lift from his form—pure white light not the fiery red of his life force—and enter the conical shaped energy. Other light forms greeted him, ancestors and guides, passing him along to the end. And at the infinite end of this brilliant white light was pure Love. He was enveloped, embraced like long lost lovers, the encounter so intimate; I was torn between turning away in deference to such a private moment and watching in awe.

Suddenly, Eddie’s essence turned away from the Light and I was swept up into his perspective. It appeared as if the room where his body lay with me at his bedside, existed in a fishbowl. The reality was the Light, the physical existence, an illusion. So peaceful, so blissful, the Light was very familiar to me.

I remembered calling in the White Light to protect my little sisters while I was away at kindergarten and invoking the same White Light to surround my own children whenever I dropped them off for school. If I would forget, my daughter would remind me, “Mommy, do the White Light,” and I would swaddle her and her brother in the protection of the Light that had always comforted me. In that eternal moment, I recalled how the same White Light seemed to bathe my patients and me during a healing and was the one I used to calm injured animals before I treated them.

I had never been afraid of dying, although letting others go was difficult. My fear lay in being alone, separated from those I love by death. As a healer, I had taken a very long time to release my savior complex, to understand that I was not responsible for my patients’ illnesses, nor could I take credit for their cures. I was a midwife to their healing, holding the space in which they recovered or not—it was their choice.

That night after his son came to his bedside to say goodbye, Eddie died.

Two months later, I received my greatest opening and began writing my life’s work. Never a moment of writer’s block, it all just flowed in. The synchronicity of events, from the creative process, to publishing, to going out in the world to market has been amazing. Still, I am learning to ask for help and whenever I feel resistant, I hear Eddie, “Perhaps I am here to help you,” and open to receive another’s assistance.

Witnessing the rehearsal of his death was Eddie’s final gift to me. Death is a passing through the veil of illusion and into the truth. There is nothing to fear.

Excerpt from My LoveDance. Available on Amazon

9. SPIRITUAL GURUS

After meeting Annette, I started to barter services with other spiritual gurus. To me they were gurus. They had a name for their gifts, unabashedly used the energy and charged a great deal for their services. It’s true that I used my intuition to diagnose and treat my patients. They trusted me or rather my intuition. And I had diagnostic tests to “prove my knowing”. Annette said I was still in the closet.

“How do you think you diagnose them so easily?”

When I started my private practice, I wasn’t ready to admit that I used the energies to diagnose my patients. But it was true that none of my colleagues seemed to be able to “hear” the carotid bruits that only Dopplers detected. Nor could they “smell” the cancer in our patients later confirmed by pathology. Even the gynecologist I worked with could not “feel” the cysts that he could only find with a laparoscope. One physician would perform surgery based on my “findings”. He did not wish for the others to know, but when I described tumors to a tenth of a centimeter that he found in the operating room, he too was a believer. Yet I had not come out to them.

So I saw one of Annette’s colleagues. She too was hormonally challenged, one of the most physically frail people I had ever met. More ether than substance. I was curious as to her “abilities”, yet certainly did not wish to trade my strength and vitality for her ethereal experiences. It’s as if she could not physically hold all the energy she was bringing in to this dimension. She’s not the only one, just my first encounter.

So after I got her hormonally balanced, I went to her for a session. I did not know what to expect. Annette’s sessions reminded me of Healing Touch—an energy therapy started by holistic nurses to certify health care professionals. Anika’s sessions were more like channelling. And she said, that never before had so much information came in. She was not the only energy healer/channel that related amazing transmissions during our time together. I thought it was them. My mother said it was me.

As soon as I sat in front of Anika, I felt a winged presence behind me. Anika described it as a seraph. I felt embraced, held, protected. I “heard” the being’s name—Constantina—and it “said” she had been with me since the beginning. Although Anika related some of this through her channelling, my own imagery and sensory experience filled in the gaps, making this very real for me. “Constantina” assured me that I was not to worry about Steve. I was to step forth on the path before me and trust that he would follow.

What a great relief to have my greatest fear addressed. I was afraid that if I forged ahead on my spiritual journey that I would leave my beloved behind. My fear was mirrored in my husband’s distrust of Anika and the other spiritual gurus to follow. He tolerated Annette but she respected him. The others did not. Some even advised that if I was to achieve enlightenment in this lifetime that I had to leave him. I left them instead.

One thing I know is Love. My husband loves me with all his heart and I love him. If this was the right path, then we would take it together. Well, more like in tandem. Rather me going first and him following. He told me once that he was a gatekeeper. He felt his job was to be sure that everyone he loved got through. He knew I was a leader. He encouraged me to grow, to explore, to learn, to make change. He said if I kept looking back for him, we would never get anywhere.

Now at the time, I felt held back by my love. But the more I got to know the gurus, the more I realized that their “gifts” were not worth all they gave up. Most of these women lived alone. They did not have significant others in their lives—no husbands, no lovers, no close friends, no children. They had left everything they knew to follow their path.

I felt so strongly that everything I knew and loved were part of me. I was willing to go first, to lead the way, but I vowed not to leave them behind. Constantina’s message was very reassuring. Since then I have come to see that leading is flying in triangular formation like a flock of geese. One goose is up front with a clear view of where the flock is going. All the rest of the geese are just flying nose to tail, trusting that the leaders know the way. I am not alone. The other outer geese are there. Sometimes that goose is my husband. Flying up from the rear to relieve me.

Excerpt from My LoveDance. Get your copy Now!

10 Remembering Mary Magdalen: The Merge

Nov 13th, 2003 I wrote a scene in which Mary wears the wedding necklace Yeshua made for her in Britannia and perceives the life force of those around her with such clarity. Always have I perceived another’s energy, smelled dis-ease especially cancer, empathetically felt in my body what ails another, yet as I imagined then wrote what Mary saw, my own vision became clearer. I can see energy about others, colors and shapes. If I write it, it becomes! 

Nov 15th, 2003 An insight keeps coming in—involving the merge. I feel more like the entities which I hear and see are merged within me. I can request their presence and perceive their guidance, but instead of coming from outside of me, they emerge from within. I feel happier with this level of connection than before, but my rational mind questions everything. It seems to be happening for me very rapidly, something that my mentors would comment on—the rapidity in which I would learn and then manifest. What took them years of struggle takes me weeks. I have always been a quick study, grasping difficult concepts rapidly, and jumping into what I believed to be the truth without looking first. I am impatient and tend to drag everyone I love with me. They become excited by my passionate enthusiasm, my colleagues used to say I could sell ice to Eskimos. I feast at the table of life, encouraging all to join me. I do not believe anything I am or have experienced is mine alone, but can be experienced by others.

7 Remembering Mary Magdalen: Synchronicities Abound

We returned from celebrating our anniversary in Italy more in love than when we married twenty years before. My healing practice slowed down but thankfully Genesis Gold® sales made up the difference financially or we might not have survived my obsessive writing.

  November 1st, 2003 The insights are tremendous, releasing fears, misperceptions, experiencing the merge. Yeshua my constant companion, calling in the angels as I desire, the One coming in at peak times. I am truly blessed. I see the birth of the goddess in my patients, in Kyra, in Steve. The chapters keep coming clearly. I am well. Still I get thrust into the future book of political upheaval, but much yet needs to be recorded about our early lives, many lessons. Strange but our cat who has never been affectionate has taken to sitting on my lap while I type the story. Perhaps at 17 she needs to soak in the creative energies. 

Nov 4th, 2003  Another harmonic opening, on the last one in 1987, I conceived Kyra, my delight. Always I have found joy in creating this life, certainly there has been pain, but suffering is a choice. No longer do I choose to suffer. I choose to embrace the light of love. It is my relationship with Uriel (G-D’s light) that has propelled me through many lifetimes of sadness to pick the flowers of joy. As I awaken so does my family. When this book emerges unto the world, the souls who choose to partake of it will remember their highest destiny, overcoming the archetypal consciousness that binds the density of the world. This is a healing for all and yes, for you, my love Yeshua. You released your fears to reunite with the One, but left behind the sacrificial energy of martyrdom. The world has immortalized you but is veiled from your truth by fear. Perhaps through this book, the truth will be set free and you shall be free as well. You shall not leave me alone, for only in my ignorance, in my fear, have I perceived the illusion of separation. Bless your patience for waiting for me to come to this realization. I had a vision once of my guides and angels watching me with bated breath as I stumbled through my existence, but became tickled pink when I finally made progress. Just as in this life, the birth of my son was so traumatic—a result of our tumultuous existence that I had to examine our belief in sacrifice and suffering: Steve ready to martyr himself to save our son, both of us floundering to find love before emerging with an amazing opportunity for growth. Then conceiving our delightful daughter fully invested in our relationship and with her birth moving into a profound happiness, a new home, a new life. We have been together through eternity, both Jarys and Kyra fully cognizant of our connection, of a time before, of their profound purposes reminding me that when I was a child I too remembered the connection and through them reawakened to that which I forgot. Following two steps behind, Steve picks up the rear, holding the door until we are all safely through to the other side. Time to heal ourselves, our families, our communities and our world. No soul left behind.