After meeting Annette, I started to barter services with other spiritual gurus. To me they were gurus. They had a name for their gifts, unabashedly used the energy and charged a great deal for their services. It’s true that I used my intuition to diagnose and treat my patients. They trusted me or rather my intuition. And I had diagnostic tests to “prove my knowing”. Annette said I was still in the closet.

“How do you think you diagnose them so easily?”

When I started my private practice, I wasn’t ready to admit that I used the energies to diagnose my patients. But it was true that none of my colleagues seemed to be able to “hear” the carotid bruits that only Dopplers detected. Nor could they “smell” the cancer in our patients later confirmed by pathology. Even the gynecologist I worked with could not “feel” the cysts that he could only find with a laparoscope. One physician would perform surgery based on my “findings”. He did not wish for the others to know, but when I described tumors to a tenth of a centimeter that he found in the operating room, he too was a believer. Yet I had not come out to them.

So I saw one of Annette’s colleagues. She too was hormonally challenged, one of the most physically frail people I had ever met. More ether than substance. I was curious as to her “abilities”, yet certainly did not wish to trade my strength and vitality for her ethereal experiences. It’s as if she could not physically hold all the energy she was bringing in to this dimension. She’s not the only one, just my first encounter.

So after I got her hormonally balanced, I went to her for a session. I did not know what to expect. Annette’s sessions reminded me of Healing Touch—an energy therapy started by holistic nurses to certify health care professionals. Anika’s sessions were more like channelling. And she said, that never before had so much information came in. She was not the only energy healer/channel that related amazing transmissions during our time together. I thought it was them. My mother said it was me.

As soon as I sat in front of Anika, I felt a winged presence behind me. Anika described it as a seraph. I felt embraced, held, protected. I “heard” the being’s name—Constantina—and it “said” she had been with me since the beginning. Although Anika related some of this through her channelling, my own imagery and sensory experience filled in the gaps, making this very real for me. “Constantina” assured me that I was not to worry about Steve. I was to step forth on the path before me and trust that he would follow.

What a great relief to have my greatest fear addressed. I was afraid that if I forged ahead on my spiritual journey that I would leave my beloved behind. My fear was mirrored in my husband’s distrust of Anika and the other spiritual gurus to follow. He tolerated Annette but she respected him. The others did not. Some even advised that if I was to achieve enlightenment in this lifetime that I had to leave him. I left them instead.

One thing I know is Love. My husband loves me with all his heart and I love him. If this was the right path, then we would take it together. Well, more like in tandem. Rather me going first and him following. He told me once that he was a gatekeeper. He felt his job was to be sure that everyone he loved got through. He knew I was a leader. He encouraged me to grow, to explore, to learn, to make change. He said if I kept looking back for him, we would never get anywhere.

Now at the time, I felt held back by my love. But the more I got to know the gurus, the more I realized that their “gifts” were not worth all they gave up. Most of these women lived alone. They did not have significant others in their lives—no husbands, no lovers, no close friends, no children. They had left everything they knew to follow their path.

I felt so strongly that everything I knew and loved were part of me. I was willing to go first, to lead the way, but I vowed not to leave them behind. Constantina’s message was very reassuring. Since then I have come to see that leading is flying in triangular formation like a flock of geese. One goose is up front with a clear view of where the flock is going. All the rest of the geese are just flying nose to tail, trusting that the leaders know the way. I am not alone. The other outer geese are there. Sometimes that goose is my husband. Flying up from the rear to relieve me.

Excerpt from My LoveDance. Get your copy Now!

20 Remembering Mary Magdalen: Searching for Maternal Mentors

I spent the first half of my adult life being the scientist, experiencing the masculine aspect of self, until I opened to receive the sacred feminine. Since then the universe has sent me maternal mentors—until I fully received my own power to manifest beauty and love in my life. Some of my mentors left all they knew—family, home, husbands, children, society—to delve into the old paradigm of abstinence. Separate from all to find oneness. They even encouraged me to leave, but I resisted, finding solace at home, in the arms of my husband, in the laughter of my children, in the life I created. Why can’t I have it all—spiritual enlightenment, inter-dimensional connection, and a fully human life complete with good food, good wine, good music, good sex, good tears? Is not this amazing body that my soul inhabits the vehicle for my transformation? Is not all creation perfect in its perpetual transmutation to come unto Sacred Union?

  I remember when on…

 Nov 5th, 2003 A healing occurs as I release the need to venerate mentors, looking outside of self for the truth, when the guru exists within. My first spiritual mentor and probably not my last, initiated this awakening by telling me to plug in! After years of being impressed with the energetic connections when we were together, the amount of information coming in whenever we spoke, she got tired of our human existence being interrupted. We couldn’t even go to lunch without the guides coming in to deliver messages! She moved away as they all have. Besotted with love for all, I wish not to be an unclear portal, so continually release my fear. As I share the details of the story with Mom, she worries about Steve in this triangular relationship and how it is playing out now. There is much healing going on for all of us.  

How I struggled with gurus who set themselves apart as the only one to know a certain concept. Yes, I placed them on a pedestal as I sat at their feet absorbing what they had to teach me. And with my audacious confidence I would apply what I had learned as soon as possible. If they could see it, feel it, be it…so could I. And if I could, then so could my friends, family, patients. I believe what we see in others is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. As soon as I realized I was venerating another, usually way after those around me provided ample warning, I would cut the guru down…release her from the throne in my mind and set her free. Then another would take her place.