Divine Mother


I envisioned this blog to be one of Remembrance. Remembering the Divine Daughter—Mary Magdalen, the original Divine Daughter and the heroine of my book—LoveDance: Awakening the Divine Daughter—Yet now two years after the last post…I find myself needing to unveil…again… 

LoveDance: Awakening the Divine Daughter helped me heal the Mother Wound…the original separation from the Divine Mother…as my heroine Mary Magdalen awakened to her truth as the Divine Daughter…so did I…and in doing so received the fullness of the Divine Mother. I reconnected to Her…embodied in the Earth…enlivened in the hearts of so many women here in Ojai…mothers and grandmothers who receive me…as if I am the Divine Daughter…and I feel it. I see the Divine Daughter energy in so many others…women young and old and even a few precious men… Time to feel the fullness of our emotions and allow the Divine Daughter to dance us into wholeness. 

Here’s what I wrote in the book, “My understanding of human consciousness is an evolution of the Mother-Father-Son-Daughter aspects of the Divine. Originally, I believe, humans worshipped the earth as the Divine Mother, her body was ours. Then we looked into the cosmos and envisioned the Divine Father as spirit. In the last two millennia, avatars teaching in parables initiated a revolution of the mind, and ever since the Divine Son has been the center of religious worship. Now the time is ripe for the Divine Daughter to manifest in human consciousness. She is emotion weaving the mind, body, and soul into Sacred Unity with All That Is.” 

The Divine Daughter is alive and well…Awakened now through LoveDance. On the Earth at this time—dancing her dance—her dance of love—LoveDance. 

LoveDance became my philosophy of life. I created a whole website around it. LoveDance is my expression of Self. Love is at the center of the triad of Relationships, Soul Purpose, and Health. I include Health because as a Holistic Nurse Practitioner, Health of Body, Mind, and Soul is paramount in the Process of Enlightenment. It is not enough for me to talk…but to walk my talk…or rather…to dance my truth! 

So now in the midst of this summer of profound transformation, nearly three years after LoveDance was launched, I find myself facing another wound…the Father Wound—separation from the Divine Father. Yes, I have begun Book II…LoveDance is a trilogy…and I began the second book shortly after the first was launched…and I got 1/3 through the writing…just as my heroine Mary Magdalen confronts her father wound…I could write no more! 

Why? Because until I face it, live it, breathe it, am I able to write it. What I wrote in book one became manifest for me. I did not realize the depth of the mother wound I embodied, imprinted since prenatal time, brought into this lifetime as deep karmic imprints. I had done a regression on myself many years before. Way before LoveDance…In fact two years before I dreamt I was Mary Magdalen walking down the streets of Nazareth I brought myself back to the womb…Disentangled myself from maternal karmic imprints… from the Red Cord… 

I shared this story with the Grandmothers Council of Ojai on Mother’s Day. I was an hour late for the gathering, having driven back from a mother-daughter-grandmother weekend in San Diego. It was lovely to spend time with my daughter who was born on Mother’s day 22 years ago. My mother enjoyed herself too, but on the way home her issues with her mother surfaced… there was not much to say…so I just listened…and then dropped her off at her house some 70 miles from Ojai and headed home. I needed to be with the grandmothers. But they too were reliving their mother wounds! So I told them this story: 


Years ago, before my daughter entered puberty, I vowed to get a hold of my eating disorder. If you are a fan of this blog, you know all about it, if not…here goes… 

I was anorexic before Karen Carpenter died and the psychiatrists had named it. I was hypnotized, medicated, and psychoanalyzed. To no avail. Anorexia transformed into bulimia. Not the typical eating disorder because I did not fit their psycho-patterns. No, I had not been molested, no incest, only a father’s great expectations passed onto me of being perfect. Yes, I was the straight A student…and did great things with my life, but there was more. 

Recently eating disorder research has led from blaming the father to blaming the mother. 

Still, I had an excellent relationship with my mother. Had learned from her mistakes. And felt loved, adored by her and my father. My grandparents too, especially my grandmother. No, it wasn’t a parenting problem rooted in childhood. It was something deeper. 

I had begun research on the hypothalamus which led to my dream of Genesis Gold and had been taking the Sacred Seven amino acids for a year when I felt it was time to get to the root of my problem. 

Bulimia was a coping mechanism for me. And while I could stuff my anxieties down with food then purge them into the toilet and flush them away, many, many times, my fear was not my own. How many times had I felt driven to binge just to purge a fear that was greater than me. So what was this fear, I asked. 

I will tell you…it’s not the father, it is the mother…but it’s not about blame. It’s not what you think. 

In a dream, I regressed myself. 

Into the womb, I went. Looking down between my fetal thighs, I was surprised to see NO penis! No blade! How could I accomplish my mission in this form? I felt a pulsation deep in my belly, putrid fearful, coming not from me, but through the umbilical cord—the Red Cord. 

It was my mother’s fear. I felt her. Her world as she perceived it….the struggle with her parents, her new husband, her fear…her fear of her mother, then… 

I was in my grandmother’s womb feeling her fear through the red cord. And then in her mother’s womb feeling her mother’s fear and her mother’s and back and back in time. Like a video montage, yet I could feel the fear…yellow and acidic as bile….the pain, tears, terror…of losing children, abortions, stillborn babies. Of being raped, used as chattel, traded like beasts. Of husbands, and fathers and lovers beating us, blaming us. Of too many babies, of hunger and pain, of sending our sons off to war and our daughters into the same traps we found ourselves. Of burning at the stake, of drowning, of torture for being our truth. Of giving away our power. 

Through my mother’s womb, through hers, and unto the beginning of time. Back to Eve. All of women’s woes…that was my fear. The fear I had been purging forever. 

Time to release it. I awakened with a clear intention and pure desire to release my mothers’ fear, all of my mothers. 

Synchronistically that day, I had an appointment with an energy healer. She was working with another powerful male healer. He stood at my feet, she at my head. I didn’t tell them of my vision, but lay there fully intending to release. And I did. Like a volcanic eruption of black tar, the energy exploded from my belly into the atmosphere. I felt lighter and freer than ever. I opened my eyes and laughed. I sat up. The two healers were plastered against the walls of the healing room. “What was THAT?” 

“That was fear!”  And it’s not mine! 

Then I headed to the beach, and lay on the sand, my feet in the water, the sun on my naked skin and was held by the Great Mother. My Divine Mother loves me…I am everything she ever desired in a daughter. I no longer need to purge the fear of my sex.


So here we are back from the summer of 2001 to now—2010. A summer of great transformation lies before us. Today is truly the first day that it feels like summer here in Ojai. Finally hot…it’s been so mild…perhaps now we can burn the illusion away and unveil the truth. My neck aches from all this typing, but purging on paper (or rather, online) is a sweet means to a sweeter end. Yet my aching neck reminds me that it’s time to heal the Father Wound.

5 Remembering Mary Magdalen: Back to my Roots

Sept 25th, 2003 Off to Italy! As I begin my ninth day in connection to all that I know to be true, we embark on a trip of self discovery. I am nearly ready to write Mary’s continued saga and spoke of this wondrous event to my rabbi friend who is excited to help recreate the story with a real Hebrew flare. The story of the goddess as the daughter energy returns to the earth, I am delivering myself as she. Time to follow spirit on this trip of few accommodations and no itinerary. I can hear my rabbi friend’s message to not forget to be fully present with Steve on this trip as I remember who I am now and then. There is no time. My writing is in pieces, but I have to trust the process. It now makes sense. With my fear is dissolved, there is only love, love is the co-creator. Through love we manifest abundance. My relationships on this earth are becoming clearer now. 

Sept 25th, 2003 3am in Rome, I am awakened from a dream in which I as Deborah am laying my hands on Mary Magdalen who is laying her hands on me, blessing one another as goddesses unto eternity and then all energies merge into one essence. I lay face down on the bed flattened by the sheer power of the dream with Yeshua comforting me, whispering, I am She, I am the goddess. I know the secret of manifestation. I am Joy. Like the hummingbird, tasting all the nectar in life. Turning onto my back, my hands clasped in prayer, I am surrounded by Archangels. Gavriel, I recognize as the one who escorted me as Mary into my womb to share the forgotten secrets of womanhood. Then Michael speaks from my right, reminding me that I also have been escorted by Uriel, on my left, from the darkness back to the Light of the One. Then I feel Rafael behind me fueling my spirit, challenging me to reveal myself to the world. Yeshua returns with the Divine parents. The Father speaks- I am beloved, he has never forsaken me, I will remember all but at this moment I am to live in the eternal now blending past and present into a glorious future. I can see the glory of my relationship with Steve as my beloved husband, and my daughter Kyra with her joyful goddess energy as a reflection of my own, and Jarys, my son coming into the world manifesting a blend of masculine and feminine energies as an experiment to know himself as divine. All my worries are lifted.  I am asked to open my heart and to open my arms and invite in abundance. I am reassured that I will be and have been protected and held in the bosom of the One. I breathe in Yeshua as the son/lover/friend, then the Divine parents, who become all of my fathers, all of my mothers and I am whole.  

Sept 28th, 2003 Steve verbalizes my fears wondering if this experience is just an involved fantasy. Perhaps, but I believe all my reality including this one is a product of my imagination. Never before have I had a past life memory, although apparently I am open to the possibility. What I have read of past life regressions seem different from what I am experiencing. Perhaps it is like mitosis. The mother cell divides into two daughter cells, each containing all the molecular memory of the mother. Each daughter cell divides again and again unto infinity, but over time the original memory is transmuted. Perhaps I hale from one of the first divisions. Perhaps this is why there is so much detail in the memory, even in Aramaic. Only my judgment born from domestication into being human this time around threatens to taint the memory of before. Steve became frustrated with me when I hesitated to enter the Vatican, addressing Yeshua for the first time, “Come on, you two, we’re going in there!” I had such a feeling of oppression, great sadness, so much so that a guard took one look at my face and guided me to an open window for fresh air, before I could go into the Sistine Chapel.  Steve feels awed in history, that time is not a line but a spiral, circling back and forth but this time in Italy, layers of history are being peeled back to reveal my truth.We are trained, domesticated into a belief system based on myth. Like the myth of disease, of death, of suffering, of judgement, of victimization. All these negative energies I see portrayed in later religious art. The art depicting gods and goddesses seems mostly a celebration of life—food, wine, birth, spring, the elements and especially women. Pagan symbols exist in the frescoes and sculptures before the misinterpretation and patriarchal judgement passed on by the dominating forces. More comes in clearly through the emotion I experience as I explore the museums. The medieval buildings themselves are enough to inspire a passionate awakening. The art pulls at my heart strings. The depiction of Christ seems an imagined mythical being. They got it wrong, yet who am I to enlighten them?  

Awakening from earth amnesia, I remember being the goddess, identifying with the daughter energies. As the mother held the energy of the earth—the body and the father the energy of the sun—the soul, the son holds the energy of divine intelligence—the mind. Humans first worshipped the Divine Mother before looking into the cosmos and venerating the Divine Father. For over two millennia, humans have matured in consciousness through the mental stimulation of beloved avatars embodying the energy of the Divine Son. The time is ripe for the Divine Daughter. Infused in relationship with all—people, animals, plants, spirits, angels, gods, she is passionate emotion here to reweave the body mind and soul into Sacred Unity.