24 Remembering Mary Magdalen: Torn between two loves

May 15th, 2004 Steve voiced his concern about me calling a distant friend for support. Apologizing I searched for the source of his concern and could see that I am not fully attending to him, not fully present. Yeshua says Steve has waited so very long and this remembrance is a reminder of his burden of responsibility. Now Steve has an aching need to fulfill me, desires to be everything for me—lover, friend, husband, father of my children, provider, protector, confidante. He wants to be my partner, following me into this life as always but this time finally rewarded as my first and last. If I would have had this remembrance earlier in our life, perhaps we wouldn’t have bonded. Steve truly cherishes me, totally devoted to us. I have so much to be thankful for. With his light so deep verdant green, Steve is a co-creator in his own right, feeling disenchanted because his garden hasn’t grown, but it is my pulling away from us that saps the energy of our property. He provides the structure, I am the life force. How lost I get in self! 

May 20th, 2004 There is so much emotional struggle pulling this book together. The computer process is killing me! I am at the mercy of my technical ineptness. This was supposed to be easy, but ever since luring others into the drama, the fear of coming out overshadows the joy of creation. One’s knee jerk reaction to all that is Christian really riles me. Unconvinced that Christianity haled from Judaism, she even rejects the rabbi’s input. Yet still I take to heart her fears perhaps because they are a mirror of my own doubts.  I have researched so many religions over the years and can see the connections, the shared themes in Judaism, Islam, Christianity, even Pagan beliefs. I have learned in this remembrance to sift through the mud to find the pearls. Early on I too had wrenching reactions to the “good and evil” language which Jarys allayed for me by explaining that it wasn’t part of the original Hebrew but adopted during the Babylonian captivity to blend with Zoroastrian philosophy. I believe Yeshua was a mystic, a teacher swimming against the tide …a hippy of his time!

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