Nov 10th, 2003 What am I searching for? Steve suspects I have a hidden agenda in our intimacy. We talked about the change in me in the past two months. He wants something concrete in this book process, a publisher, an agent, an outline (cannot understand the mystical flow of creativity—it is strange). I asked if he would be happier without so much drama and he said no life is without it’s ups and downs, with connections and reconnections. He reminded me that if I was connected all the time then I wouldn’t still be here. My fears made manifest through his lips! I cried for he is correct, I seek a connection that I fear will draw me away from all that I love. I asked him to have faith. He says he has perseverance, loyalty, integrity and love, but not faith in that which he cannot perceive through his five senses. He wants to know what to do, wishing to be relieved of the burden of responsibility. I expressed my appreciation for his support in this endeavor but with the financial issues weighing on him he wants me to shed some light. I cannot see the end of the tunnel either and while he spoke my right arm ached—my masculine sword arm. I can DO nothing, I can only BE.
Nov 11th, 2003 Do all novelists struggle between two worlds? An awful hectic morning of desperate patients who want me but can’t afford me. I try to spark a fire under Mom who manages my businesses but just get burned. Steve wants me to share in his worry, but if I do not hold out some hope, how will we survive? We cannot all be mired down by worry. I feel great relief in writing the book, perhaps an escape from the reality of my life. The writing has replaced the bulimia, but am I cured? Some of the remembrance brings up my fears about not being good enough, unworthiness as a justification for abandonment. I’m not the only one who has this soul issue, it is at the root of many problems. Too much pressure and no outlet. My body quakes, I’m losing weight, I can barely breathe. At least the One came when I meditated this morning reassuring me that the abundance will come, but I am challenged today with lack, with survival issues. I will hold up my faith, even if they do not see me as realistic. I’m doing the best I can just being. Should I peruse other books about Mary Magdalen channeled or not? Or just go from my memories of this past life in which I am not the only one, but an aspect of an entity that embodied the Divine Daughter. I know I am love, I am joy, but today I feel less than. Certainly I have yet to embody my truth.